‘You cannot find peace by avoiding life.’ – Virginia Woolf

First, an update on my gym experience:

It’s not as scary as it seems, however I say this having not had my first personal trainer meeting yet. It’s been postponed because I mysteriously obtained a scratch on the outer layer of my left eye right across the center of my pupil, which didn’t really hinder my ability to work out… it’s just very annoying and still very sensitive to light. Also- who wants to wear glasses when they’re working out? Absolutely not.

Regardless, I reached my 10,000 step goal today after having a minor breakdown about my life. I’ve done all of these things the past two weeks that have been an attempt at calming down and figuring things out: I’ve bought a book to help me figure out what career I should look at going into, I’ve bid and won the bid on a Fitbit on eBay, I’ve signed up at a gym, I’ve signed up for personal training, I’ve started trying to talk to people more, I’ve written a list of things to achieve tomorrow. I’ve also done all of these things that have broken me down: looked at the LinkedIn of successful people, told myself my options were not viable or realistic, told myself I wasn’t good enough, drank that damn Coca-Cola I was trying so hard not to succumb to, used the eye as an excuse not to work out as often, and postponed making decisions about things. But I guess what I don’t hear often is that I’m doing okay.

I’m just stuck in a bubble.

I haven’t been exposed to any kind of normalcy where going to college is not assumed. I don’t know what it’s like to be around people who haven’t ever left the city they were born in. I have no idea what it’s like to be raised in an environment where working a crap job and having kids to worry about on your own is common. I’m lucky that the photo I used for this post is a normal view for me. I’m blessed beyond belief that I won the birth lottery and was born to a middle class family in the U.S. In some ways I wonder if I had a ‘harder’ life if my anxiety would be lessened or nonexistent. I wonder if I am given too many options and have panic attacks about my life because I am just so damn capable of achieving so much.

That’s not the life I have, though.

What I need to hear is that I have a great life, and I need to make the most of this stepping stone I’ve been afforded. I’m already a step off the ground. I can’t stand here- I’ll never get anywhere.


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